Time Yourself Out
June 27, 2007 by Dr. Dale Atkins and Barb Scala
Filed under Articles, sanity savers, self discovery
Are you overdue for time off for good behavior? (For any behavior, come to think of it.)
Vacations are supposed to be time away to restore and rejuvenate, but it is becoming harder and harder to accomplish this if you insist on being away with a cell phone, a PDA, and a laptop. Whenever you do manage to get away, be sure to take some real time to take care of yourself. Begin by losing the schedule you follow when you are at home or at work. Create a vacation schedule that is packed with only those things you really want to do that will relax and refresh you. Read more
Don’t Stop, Keep Exercising
June 1, 2007 by Dr. Dale Atkins and Barb Scala
Filed under Articles, body & exercise, sanity savers
You’ve started an exercise routine and feel good. But, getting to the gym gets harder and harder to do.
Studies show that as little as a 5% reduction in body weight can help reduce some of the risk factors associated with obesity and can help improve some of the symptoms linked to diabetes and high cholesterol. So stay mortivated, don’t procrastinate and keep on exercising. Read more
Keeping a Positive Attitude
May 1, 2007 by Dr. Dale Atkins
Filed under Articles, sanity savers, self discovery
When you are presented with challenges, it is easy to become overwhelmed and despondent. Be honest with your feelings, but concentrate your efforts toward maintaining a positive attitude.
Some tips to consider:
- Take One Day at a Time - Don’t waste energy worrying about something that may occur in the future. Focus on immediate issues and approach each day positively.
- If You Don’t Want to Keep a Secret – Inform the teller at the first sign that a secret is going to be revealed that you’re not sure you can hear it. Let them know the reason for your discomfort so they don’t take your refusal as a personal rebuff. “If I hear it I know you will not want me to tell anyone and I am not sure I can do that, particularly if you are doing something illegal or hurting someone I love.”
- When You’re Pumped for Information - If people suspect something is “up”, they might try to persuade you to divulge the secret. First, relax. You don’t need to reveal anything you don’t want to or convince anyone that you know or don’t know anything. Your mission is not to tell. When asked a direct question, talk normally and give a simple response. Resist becoming angry or defensive. Shift your focus to something else without “red flagging” the change of subject to raise suspicion. For example, you might be at a party and someone may ask you if your friend is ill. You don’t want to lie but also don’t want to betray your friend’s confidence in knowing her secret. Saying, “I’m not at liberty to talk about anything,” might just be too much information. Maybe it is better to politely and gently say, “I make it a habit of not talking about people’s private issues because I don’t like it when people talk about mine.” Then casually go onto another subject.
- When the Secret’s Been Let Out - You can go to the source and ask, “Have you ‘gone public?” I’ve heard this information and just wanted to let you know. If this is no longer a secret, and you are okay with people talking, I would like to know.” Or, just understand that people have their own way of working things out and maybe you were told something in confidence and then, later, they decided to share it with someone else who was less careful than you. It is never your prerogative to share someone’s confidence with a third party. Remember: It is the prerogative of person whose secret it is.
- Difficulty Holding a Secret – If you just cannot hold the information, or your find “it is making you sick” you need to go to the person who told you (or a therapist) and talk about how difficult it is for you and why it is such a challenge for you.
- Harmful Information – This is one time when you don’t have to keep a secret. If the person shares with you something that is endangering another person, illegal or perilous, or it is doing more harm keeping it than telling it, you may need to assume a more active role and/or reveal it to someone else who can help or to the appropriate authority. Strongly consider doing something. Even if taking a stand means jeopardizing your friendship, advocating your friend to do or not do something in order to avoid a destructive path will be more beneficial for both of you in the long run. True” friendships will likely survive these difficult situations.
- Stay Focused – If you’re at a party, you’re already there. Why stay and have a mediocre time when you can put parameters on the situation, stay in that space and make the best of it? You have the ability to have a good time or not. As the old saying goes “Make the best of the situation.” Talk to people, let your hair down a bit, don’t expect to be taken care of by anyone else and you just might have fun dancing the night away.
- View It as a Mission – We attend other’s functions to celebrate with them. Of course, you have other things to do. Everyone does. In fact, each person at the function could be catching up on so many things instead of being there. Don’t forget the reason you’re present. Your mission is to support, love and share special moments with the person who is being honored. Stay true to that mission and you will likely have a good time.
- Release Negative Feelings Beforehand – If Father’s Day isn’t easy for you, allow yourself to feel the sadness, disappointment and anger over your relationship before getting together with your father. Maybe you can journal or have a conversation with the mirror to release negative tension. Also, try and think back on some endearing memories. Remember, this is his “day” and you can show your dad you really do truly care by respecting him and sharing in the moment. You are not likely to repair a lifetime of hurt at one meeting but you may be able to experience this day differently.
- Go With Support or Go Alone – Don’t go to an event that you already have misgivings about with someone who will make you feel even more uncomfortable. If the person you are with tends to complain or doesn’t want to be there, this will only disengage you further and you will likely be concerned about whether they are okay. That is unnecessary and frankly, too much pressure. Be with someone with whom you feel comfortable or go alone.
Moving from Your Home
April 1, 2007 by Dr. Dale Atkins
Filed under Articles, life transitions, sanity savers
You are about to move. If you are like many other people, you are and have been a nester. Over the years you likely have made your home into a sanctuary for yourself and your family, and as you anticipate a move, you may have a desire to cling to what is familiar, safe and loved.
So, how do you move from a place you’ve loved for so many years? A place that has been your haven… your comfort through difficult times … a place you and your loved ones have filled with so many memories? The house is, in reality, nothing more then a building, but the memories you leave behind become the fabric of the home. Read more
Doing Too Much and Not Relaxing
March 4, 2007 by Dr. Dale Atkins
Filed under Articles, sanity savers, self discovery
When you have a really busy week with lots of things planned, even if they are fun things, you may get stressed just because there is a lot going on. Even though you are aware of your stress you cannot sit still and relax. Basically you are always doing something because if you aren’t doing something, you feel as if you are wasting time. It is kind of a “Catch 22″.
Keeping your sanity while keeping yourself in check takes practice and a change of attitude about what “busy” means. Read more
Treat Yourself Well
February 1, 2007 by Dr. Dale Atkins
Filed under Articles, sanity savers, self discovery
Think of how much more interesting your life will be if you make daily decisions to live it fully.
Depend on Yourself
Whether married or single, it is better to depend on yourself to do what interests you rather than wait for others to invite you to participate in something that may or may not suit you.Sometimes single women feel as if they are 3rd wheels and are uncomfortable being with married friends. And some of their married friends don’t ask them to join them for events that are family oriented but fun for all. And let’s not even talk about those dinner parties where if you don’t have a partner you are excluded completely. Read more
A “New” New Year’s Resolution
January 5, 2007 by Barb Scala
Filed under Articles, sanity savers
New Year’s Resolutions are often about committing to an exercise program, losing those extra 20 lbs, or quitting a habit like smoking. While all of these are terrific for your health and are usually begun with great promise and enthusiasm, funny thing is that often your New Year’s resolutions from one year to the next are probably the same.
How about making this year the year of a different kind of resolution? Changing your attitude about something or someone (including yourself) can be a refreshing start to the New Year. So often our attitudes remain unchanged and unchallenged; we never question whether they still serve us well or if they restrict us, holding us back.
Look back and remember how many times your own or other people’s opinions prevented you from doing or trying something? “I always wanted to go skydiving but my friends will think I’m crazy.” “I would like to take an art class but I can’t draw.” “I would like to learn to play the piano but I was never very good at it when I was a kid.” “I would like to travel but I don’ t have a companion.” “I would like to dance but don’t have a partner.”
It’s time to stop the negative talk! By changing your attitude, you can try things you thought you were “unable” to do and have experiences that will open your mind to incredible possibilities. Here are some Sanity Savers to help you get started.
1. No Challenge. No Change - If you don’t give yourself a challenge there can be no change and without change there is no growth. Ask yourself, “How can I be continually challenged?”
2. Meet People Who are Different from You - Step out and don’t limit yourself to your usual group (age, culture, race). Find those with similar interests but who are from different backgrounds. Meet and be with people who are both younger and older than you. Learn from their experiences.
3. You Are Never Too Old or Too Young to Change Your Self Image - Daily events fluctuate and influence your ability to stay focused, adaptable, happy and positive. The stronger and more resilient your sense of self, the better equipped you are to deal with all of what life presents.
4. Be Aware of Your Patterns - When you don’t notice your patterns, you often get in your own way. How can you possibly move forward in life if you are bound by behavior or images that elude you?
5. Be Conscious and Present - By being fully aware, you can accept, reject or change that which you don’t want into something that can be helpful and productive.
6. Be Eager for Personal Growth - Seek knowledge, adventure and friendship. Do not confine yourself to a familiar road, traveling along paths others have gone or mapped out for you. Leave the familiar path from time to time. Be adventurous. Find your element; never stop searching. Continue your quest in life. It is all about growth!
7. Be Resilient - Even if you have experienced a serious set back or loss, it is part of your life’s story. You can integrate all of it. Just as a forest is replanted after extensive logging, resilient people figure out ways to adapt to what has been taken from them by time and/or circumstance.
8. Find Your True Self Worth - All of us have value; no matter how great or small your public recognition and reputation. True self worth comes from your personal inner resources and appreciation of your own self.
9. Maintain a Good Self Image - Combine flattery and critical self-analysis. Don’ t waste time or energy putting yourself down. Focus on, emphasize, and live in way that is consistent with your core values.
Attitude adjustment CAN enhance our lives immeasurably!
Dr. Dale, licensed psychologist, guest expert on the TODAY Show and author of Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced Life, joins us with her ongoing SANITY SAVERSTM column. For more Sanity Savers go to www.drdaleatkins.com.
All I Want for Christmas is to Grit my Teeth
December 19, 2006 by Barb Scala
Filed under Articles, sanity savers
Some people like to prepare EVERYTHING for the holidays (don’t you love them?). The most successful of these wizards get an early start while the rest of us only think that we prepare in advance. The fact of the matter is that the holidays often catch us with lots of work still to do and lots of stress to deal with.
There is also a great deal of fatigue and resentment that follow the holidays because people are on edge, overworked, under-appreciated. (THIS is a holiday?) The most common complaint at holiday time is that people don’t have enough help. The other one is that they don’t usually have enough time to mingle with their guests.
Something to remember: A fresh turkey is better than a frozen one, but a calm, relaxed hostess is worth a wilderness of fowl.
• Forget Perfect - There is no such thing. If you want to enjoy your time with guests and be a “present” hostess, know that there are going to be things that just don’t work out the way you had hoped. Count on at least one at each event. Repeat after me; “This is okay.”
• Prepare What You Can - Make sure that there are enough napkins BEFORE the big event. Print directions to your house for everyone who is coming for the first time, and make sure they get them well ahead of the party.
• Know your Guests - When people ask what they can bring, ask what they had in mind. In other words, don’t ask your nice aunt who hoped to buy cookies at a local bakery to bring a roasted turkey. If another relative is notoriously late, ask someone else to bring appetizers (the latecomer is a natural for a dessert or after-dinner wine). If a cousin makes a great casserole, suggest that she prepare one. (You get a great dish and you get to compliment someone you love, leaving one less angry and unappreciated relative to deal with later.) If you don’t like surprises, be sure you know what people are bringing so you feel comfortable with the menu in advance.
Even Santa has helpers.
Dr. Dale, licensed psychologist, guest expert on the TODAY Show and author of Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced Life, joins us with her ongoing SANITY SAVERSTM column. For more Sanity Savers go to www.drdaleatkins.com .
Dealing with Secrets
June 6, 2006 by Barb Scala
Filed under Articles, sanity savers
Dr. Dale, licensed psychologist who appears on the TODAY Show, joins us with her ongoing column SANITY SAVERSTM for a Balanced Life.
Everyone, at one time or another, has told someone a secret. Everyone, at one time or another, has been asked to keep a secret.
Secrets are NOT for Children
For our purposes, we will be talking about secrets and adults. When children are told to keep secrets it is often in the context of a problematic or threatening situation. For their own protection they should know that they can always tell a trustworthy adult what is happening to them. A child who hears a disturbing secret or who is threatened or shamed into keeping a secret, needs to know that it is appropriate to share their secret with a trusted adult who can help or protect them. Often children who hold secrets, such as family embarrassments, tend to grow up with shame and confusion.
Telling Your Secret
When someone tells you a secret, they are valuing you as their friend. They are saying to you that they appreciate your loyalty and that they perceive you to be trustworthy. They may be asking for your advice or not. If you are not asked, don’t offer. Revealing information to people in your life means you feel safe enough with them to be vulnerable; it’s a form of intimacy.
What Does Keeping a Secret Mean?
When you hold someone’s secret you have a responsibility to honor that person and their right to privacy. You know you are a really good friend when you can hear your friend’s deepest secret and then, without judgment or criticism, resist the urge (if you have it) to tell someone else and, further, as far as the world is concerned, forget about what they shared with you.
Your Secret Comfort Level
First consider the position you are in. What does the fact that you have been told privileged information say about your relationship? Does being the recipient of that information cause you discomfort? What do you do if someone tells you something about his or her life? Perhaps they have an illness they do not want to make public or a co-worker shares that she plans to leave her job. Someone may confide they are cheating in their marriage, or engaged in unethical business practices, abused as a child, or has an unhealthy addiction. How do you handle it?
Here are Sanity SaversTM to help you between the whispers:
No matter how juicy, how tempting, how interesting, you must remember that the secret information is NOT yours. It is the tellers’ and you are guarding it for him or her.
For more Sanity SaversTM go to www.drdaleatkins.com.
Celebrate and Honor Others
May 19, 2006 by Barb Scala
Filed under Articles, sanity savers
Dr. Dale, licensed psychologist who appears on the TODAY Show, joins us with her ongoing column SANITY SAVERSTM for a Balanced Life.
It’s the Season for Celebrations
May and June are the months of many celebrations: weddings, graduations, christenings, confirmations, showers, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. For many of us leading busy lives, these joyous events can be difficult to schedule and become tedious to attend. If family or friends’ relationships are strained, attending one of these events can be even more challenging. How can we honestly be there for others when we have so much going on in our own lives? And how can we honor others when there may be issues between us and with some of the other “players” that add to the perceived friction?
“Being There”
When you are there for others, it means you care and value your relationship with that person. Making the effort to attend functions and events important to a family member, friend or colleague acknowledges your ongoing relationship and the respect you feel for them. But, if you’re there in body only and not in spirit are you really supporting that person and sending an encouraging and loving message?
Maybe It’s Time to Reevaluate
If you hear yourself say, “I wish I didn’t have to go” or “I don’t have time for this,” maybe it’s time to re- evaluate your relationship with the person being honored. It may be that you need to do a bit of soul searching, considering what is the best way you can attend, while staying centered and true to yourself. You may need to establish limits on what will be enough and what will be beyond the call of duty. An important consideration as you evaluate the relationship is how much of YOU are you prepared to give?
Do I Want to “Be There?”
Ask yourself in what ways are these people important to you, are they worth the energy, and can you share in their enthusiasm (which is often a life passage)? Establish in your own mind and heart what is your place in their life and what is their place in your life (they are often not the same). If you are comfortable with any disparity then you should attend without any preconceived notions or expectations.
Your “Being There” Will Be Felt
Before going, you can increase your energy and really “be there” for that person. They will feel this gift emanating from you. If you cannot do this, maybe you should consider whether this relationship is worth holding on to. With your more challenging relationships, when you reach out and make an effort to be fully present at their life milestones, you will gain from the experience even if it is difficult for them to acknowledge or express gratitude.
When people know you sincerely care, your heart felt warmth is appreciated and they will be able to receive the message that they are important and have value in your life.
Here are Sanity SaversTM to help you feel more festive when your next invitation arrives:
For more Sanity SaversTM go to www.drdaleatkins.com