Listening to You

We’ve all been faced with an important decision and have racked our brains out trying to make the right choice.  Do I get married, ask for a raise, reunite with my mom, get a divorce or buy a house? You can ask these questions to yourself a million times and you might get a million different reasons to say yes, no or remain indifferent. So how do you make that final determination and feel confident that you’ve chosen the right way to go?

Sometimes you just have to listen.  Listen to you.  Sure, you can get feedback from TRUSTED colleagues, friends and family, but you go it alone when the decision is yours to make. But, what do you listen for?

Listen to your inner guidance telling you the path to choose.  Filter out the influence and opinions of others and tune-in to your intuition.  Go within. What do YOU really want to do?  Here are some tips to help you out:

Wave Your Magic Wand – To get at the true essence of what you want to do, put aside all of the factors that weigh on you and see what pure thoughts come up.  For instance, if you’re considering moving to another town but have loads of mother’s guilt about the kids changing schools, can you let it go for a moment and focus on your true intentions?  Is this about running away and looking for greener pastures (probably not a good idea) or are there really opportunities waiting for you in another place that make this move worth the effort? Then put the kids in the mix and see if you can confront, compromise and/or overcome your challenges. By using a little pretend “magic,” you can gain some clarity on issues and get a hold on the situation.

Turn Up the Volume On Your Little Voice – You know those little whispers from inside. It says “Go for it”, “Caution” or “You have to walk through your fear to get to where you want to go.” Let your inner-self guide you like a roadmap and get on the path you want to take. Try meditating, journaling, praying and visualization techniques.

Listen to Your Body – When you think of doing this or that, check in with your head, back, shoulders, stomach.  Do you feel something is all wrong because you sense a tightening in your gut?  Do your shoulders scrunch up to your ears when you think of not taking an action?  Your body is a great barometer to what you should and shouldn’t do and by being aware of how you repeatedly react to certain situations, you’ll know what your body is trying to tell you.

Sometimes You Won’t Know, You Just Have to Try – Sometimes you’ll be right and sometimes you’ll be wrong.  Hey, if we were all right 100% of the time, everyone would be a millionaire because there would be no such thing as a stock market loss.  By trying something new, different and challenging, you’ll learn something from the experience even if you learn never to do “that” again.

What is the Lesson Anyway? When we’re faced with major decisions, it’s difficult to understand why.  But there’s a lesson for everything we do and everything we’re confronted with.  Although it may not sound right to others to keep on working after you’ve been diagnosed with a serious illness, you know your lesson is about not being beaten by your disease and keep on persevering.  Or if you decide to do something that you’re children don’t want you to do, see if your decision can help them learn valuable lessons and if so, go for that higher reason.  You’ll only know if the lesson will be learned if you try.

You’ve got an inner compass to guide you where you want to go. Stop, look and listen to where it points.

 

Bloom’s Founder and Editor, Barbara Scala, is an attorney turned life coach helping women transition from divorce, career, midlife, health and other lifestyle changes. She is also the co-author of Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced Life. Visit her website at www.bloomafterdivorce.com and email her at info@bloomafterdivorce.com.

Moving On After Divorce

When it’s time to move on…it’s time. And everyone’s time is different. But how will you know when the time is right to move from the home or apartment you shared with your ex?

Your decision may be especially difficult if you’ve lived there a long time, raised your children in this home and have friends and family close by. Moving to a new place might also mean changing schools, downsizing and moving farther from your job, loved ones, favorite cleaners and doctor you’ve come to trust. Read more

Who Are You?

I found myself staring at my husband of almost twenty-five years as he puttered in the kitchen, and I thought, “Who are you? I don’t even know you.”

For several weeks I had been feeling anxious - not enough to find myself bolting awake at two in the morning with a pounding heart, but I was beginning to feel rather uneasy in my own skin - I was anxious enough to know that I was most definitely avoiding something. And then one winter afternoon, I found myself staring at my husband of almost twenty-five years as he puttered in the kitchen, and I thought, “Who are you? I don’t even know you.” No wonder I was feeling prickly and edgy- this was big! And while this was scary, it was not a total surprise.

Now, this was the man whom I met at party years ago and was so intrigued by, that I made all of my friends find out everything possible there was to know about him. This was the man who once brought a special picnic breakfast to my apartment and awakened me with it. This was the man who surprised me with tree buds that he actually picked from the parks in Paris one morning and brought back to New York by twilight. This was the man who was patient when I got panic- stricken about getting married, and this was the man who was waiting for me as I walked down the aisle.

He also stood by me when our three children squalled their way into the world and got into bed with me each time after they were born and happily ate the hospital food. This was the man who kept me company when some of our kids had an earache, a high fever or threw up over their bed at four in the morning. Even with all of his help, I was not one to turn my children over to a nanny, and between free-lancing while they napped, we had little time to find out how the other was faring. But the baby years were easier than the stormy adolescent ones, and our different styles of parenting surfaced.  I was a fretter, a worrier, a “what-if-er”, a weeper, and a yeller. He was the one who urged me to have faith in them. I didn’t.

Between the work wars, the kid wars, and just the business of just plain living, we were pretty weary when our kids went off to college. The house was suddenly very still- with clean rooms, no loud and angry music playing, and without piles of flip- flops scattered in front of the front door. The thundering arguments about curfews, friends, and boys became mere memory wisps. For the first time in years, autumn was quiet, and I rather enjoyed it in a rather poignant- heart- achy fashion. But after the fall leaves were vacuumed away up by efficient-looking crews wearing ear mufflers, the bare ground looked very grey and unforgiving, As the cold set in, and I looked at my stranger- husband, I began to realize that I was about to enter into an emotional tornado.

I found that I didn’t long for the baby days but I did find that I was terrified to look into the future- our future. Had we changed so much? Yes. Did we want different things at this stage in our life? Maybe. Did we have to examine everything? Absolutely.

How does a woman, who has always worked, reared three children, and is juggling an aging parent, begin this search? I found that we had to start talking, and I mean really talking. Co-existence had been perfectly fine for a while (remember, we were at a rather beaten- up stage in our lives), but my husband simply stated “I don’t want that for another twenty years. Maybe that’s fine for other people, but not for me.” Note that he didn’t say “us”, and I went into a period of deep mourning and anxiety. Were our wires crossed beyond repair?

Plagued by headaches, unable to eat, and having to act acting happy during the holidays of all things, I made my way through some soul-searching that seared my heart before my husband and I could even begin to try and communicate. I had to be really truthful with myself and be sure of what I wanted in the long run before we could even begin to attempt to re-connect. My husband had to do the same- and for weeks we were silent and wary. Sleeping in the same bed was a horrible experience, but our counselor advised us (yes, we began to see one), not leave our bed and camp elsewhere, and to eat dinner together during this time no matter how hard it might seem. And it was.

History. Children. Morals. The same taste in movies. The same sense of humor…. even though I was bone -weary and the thought of a little cottage of my own (I could even see the furnishings) sounded enticing, I knew that solitude would grow old soon. I didn’t want other men- I didn’t want to hunt –what I wanted was peace. And I began to realize that what I wanted was peace and a new type of love with my husband. A seasoned love.

Can we do it? Can we put anger and disappointment behind us and move on? When I was young I was restless- quick to squirm out of relationships, careless with other’s feelings, and always looking for a new adventure. Not this time.

Lisa Smith Arnold has written many articles for Connecticut Publications and is the author and illustrator of You Know You’re Really Pregnant When… published by Penguin Books.  She currently teaches drawing at Silvermine School of Art in Norwalk, Connecticut.

Moving from Your Home

You are about to move. If you are like many other people, you are and have been a nester. Over the years you likely have made your home into a sanctuary for yourself and your family, and as you anticipate a move, you may have a desire to cling to what is familiar, safe and loved.

So, how do you move from a place you’ve loved for so many years? A place that has been your haven… your comfort through difficult times … a place you and your loved ones have filled with so many memories? The house is, in reality, nothing more then a building, but the memories you leave behind become the fabric of the home. Read more

Do you really know what clutter is?

Clutter is what sits on top of your desk and on the floor as piles of paper and miscellaneous items collected from conferences, etc. etc. But do you know what is the most bothersome clutter?

The most bothersome clutter is all the stuff you’re trying to keep track of in your head!

David Allen in his book Getting Things Done calls it RAM. “The short-term memory part of your mind - the part that tends to hold all of the incomplete, undecided, and unorganized “stuff” - functions much like RAM on a personal computer. Your conscious mind, like a computer screen, is a focusing tool, not a storage place.”

You need to free up more space in your head or your short-term memory! Here is a guideline to help you:

1. Your To Do List
Don’t try to keep your to do list in your head. The best place for a to do list is either in a small notebook you use for all of your notes or an electronic format such as tasks in Outlook. Be consistent in using the same location and format for your to do list. It will then become routine to refer to it, update it and complete your tasks!

2. Undecided or Incomplete Information
This is a biggy. This one tends to expand and trouble us most. It can also be called worry!

In the information age, we are constantly taking in new information. When we’re clear on our priorities and objectives which are SMART - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results oriented and Time framed - then it is easier to decide what to consider and what to delete from consideration.

It also makes it easier to know which bucket to put it in. Here are questions you can ask yourself:

Is it an issue of operations, marketing, sales, products or services?
What is the time frame - immediate, this month, this year or next year?
Does it involve people (business relationships), things (products or papers!) or ideas (possibly a new business venture)?

3. Apply the Five Ds
Do it, Delegate it, Diminish it, Delay it or Delete it from Time Management From the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern. As new information comes in, now is the time to apply one of the Ds and free up some space in your head! In many cases, you will decide to delay. If you delay the task, then mark your calendar with a time to review or act on it.

Free yourself from more clutter now!

Jill McKean, Organize It, is a professional organizer specializing in office organization for small businesses and self-employed professionals. She is a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO). You can reach Jill at 203-431-6562 or info@organizeit-now.com or www.organizeit-now.com.